i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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