Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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