i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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