an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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