no, he came in my armpit
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
