We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
