He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
