saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i drank out of a bidet.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
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