I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize