with your own penis?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
