I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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