his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
