Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
