My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
