non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
