You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
