I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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