What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
