Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
