I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
