Swine flu. Run for my life!
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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