tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
