i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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