Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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