I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
