So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
