Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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