I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize