Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
