Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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