hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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