I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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