Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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