I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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