Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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