can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
