just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
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