So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
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I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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