Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Randomize
