your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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