I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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