Too much gin, very little bucket
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
