there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We need to get me chipped asap
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
