Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
