So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
