3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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