ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
