all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
