I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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