mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
