Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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