He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
