I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
