cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
