Im at strip club and am horny
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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