I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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